Christmas is a time for having the family to stay. But other than that, it's quite nice! I don't want to ruin it with the regular disappointment of opening a new trick and getting yet another piece of IT, shoddy instructions, and an ill-fitting thumb tip. I certainly don't want to fake my disappointment in front of you, my gift-buying famdamily, as you try and work out why you spent $30 on me to get a kids novelty.
Nor, do I want to be a performing monkey for the family. Or have the "we've bought you a trick - now show it to us, then tell us how it's done" look thrust in my direction.
Whisky Tango Foxtrot?
Do you think I have such little respect for my art that:
1. I can learn, practice, routine, a perfect a trick while we're all sat together in the living room on Christmas day, stoked on cheap brandy, and gas station end-of-line chocolates?
2. I want to spend Christmas working on such a routine?
3. I would tell you the method, anyway?
Seriously - those that ask for tricks at Christmas have a 30 second attention span, lasting from the time the shining paper is witness, and ending around the realization that the box is, in fact, socks. Again. Plus, I know your grabbing hands will tear the instructions from my hands before I can devour them.
Anyway, who's the present for? Is it for me to consume at my leisure, at a time of my choosing? Of course not. You bought it for your selfish self, to get a little cheap (!?!) entertainment before the James Bond film comes on the telly. The only time it's accepted to buy someone else a present, that you get enjoyment from, is when it's a sexy nurse outfit, and I'm buying it. For your girlfriend!